Lately, I have started feeling more.
The rain feels different.
The sunset makes me stop for a moment. The night feels longer than it used to. Sometimes I look at the stars and, for no particular reason, I feel like they are telling me something:
Feel what you must.
I don’t know when this started happening.
Maybe I am simply growing older. Maybe I am becoming more aware of the things around me. Or maybe I have always felt these things and was just too busy to notice them.
But there is something strange about feelings.
We can never really be one hundred percent sure about them.
At one moment, I can feel something so strongly that I think, This is it. This is what I want.
And then time passes.
Another thought comes.
Then another scenario.
Then another possibility.
And suddenly, the thing I was so certain about doesn’t seem so certain anymore.
Maybe this is what the mind does.
The heart feels something, and the mind immediately starts questioning it.
What if?
What about this?
What if things change?
What if I am wrong?
And perhaps this is why I sometimes don’t know what I am actually trying to say.
When I am with the people I love, even ordinary moments seem to carry some kind of feeling.
A conversation.
A laugh.
Sitting together without saying anything.
A small moment that nobody else would notice.
There is something in those moments that I cannot properly explain.
I like to write about whatever comes into my mind. Sometimes I want to write for the entire day. Thoughts keep coming, one after another, and I feel like I could turn every little observation into something meaningful.
And then, on another day, everything feels faded.
The words don’t come.
The same mind that was overflowing yesterday suddenly becomes completely blank.
And I wonder —
Where did all those feelings go?
Were they real?
Or were they only temporary?
Maybe that is what scares me about feelings.
We like something today.
Tomorrow, we may not.
We love someone deeply, but we don’t know what life will look like ten years from now.
We feel peaceful in one moment and restless in another.
We can be completely certain at night and confused by morning.
So what is likeness?
And what is unlikeness?
What does it actually mean to love something?
Perhaps liking something isn’t a permanent decision.
Perhaps it is simply the truth of a particular moment.
I like the rain when I am standing somewhere quietly and watching it fall.
I may dislike it when I have somewhere important to go.
Both feelings can exist.
Neither one necessarily makes the other a lie.
Maybe we expect too much consistency from ourselves.
We want to know exactly what we feel.
We want permanent answers from emotions that were never designed to be permanent.
And sometimes I wonder —
What if I could remain untouched by all of this?
What if situations happened around me and I simply remained the same?
No anxiety.
No excitement.
No fear.
No attachment.
No heartbreak.
Nothing could disturb me because nothing could reach me.
At first, that sounds like a superpower.
Imagine having complete control over yourself.
Nothing could hurt you.
Nothing could make you overthink.
Nothing could make you afraid.
Nothing could make you question yourself.
But then I think about it again.
Would I still be human?
Because the same emotions that hurt us are also the ones that make certain moments beautiful.
The reason a sunset can make us stop is because we can feel something.
The reason someone’s presence can make an ordinary day special is because we can feel something.
The reason memories stay with us is because we felt something when they happened.
Maybe I don’t actually want the power to stop feeling.
Maybe I want the power to feel without being controlled by what I feel.
There is a difference.
I don’t want to become someone who never worries.
I want to become someone who can worry without losing himself.
I don’t want to stop loving.
I want to love without constantly asking whether it will last forever.
I don’t want to stop thinking.
I just don’t want every thought to become a question.
Maybe emotions were never supposed to give us certainty.
Maybe they were only supposed to let us experience life.
The rain doesn’t need to explain why it feels beautiful.
The sunset doesn’t promise that tomorrow’s sunset will feel the same.
The stars don’t ask whether we will still admire them years from now.
They simply exist.
And perhaps we can do the same.
Feel something when it comes.
Let it pass when it passes.
Hold onto something when it deserves to be held.
Let go when it is time.
Maybe not every feeling needs a name.
Maybe not every thought needs an answer.
Maybe I don’t need to understand myself completely.
Maybe I just need to remain honest with whatever I am feeling today.
Because perhaps being human isn’t about knowing exactly what we feel.
Perhaps it is about having the courage to feel it anyway.
And maybe that is the power I have been looking for.
Not the power to become untouched.
But the power to remain human — even when everything inside me keeps changing.